I rarely feel more emasculated than when I cannot make a decision. Alternately, I feel quite manly when I do make a decision. I like being decisive, but I fear making the wrong decisions, especially major ones, because I do not want to be stupid. Of course, stupidity is emasculating too; yes, others may disagree and say stupidity is quite the male trait, but I digress. I do not believe I am stupid, but I am afraid of failure, afraid of the unknown. Is failure unknown because I am successful or because I do not take enough risks where I could fail? I fear it is the latter.

I do not fear spiders. I do not fear snakes. I do not fear heights. I do not fear the dark.

I do fear having lived out my life and not having had something to die for. I fear dying without having had something to live for.

And I do fear being alone. I do fear burning my bridges.

So I try to keep all my bridges up and supported. I am so busy holding them up, I forget to cross them. And really what is a bridge for if not to cross?

What is one to do when they both love and hate making decisions?

I do what any logical person would do. I fill my days with mundane and meaningless decisions: What should I eat? Should I get up this morning? What should I wear? Should I read the news or check my messages first? Should I…? Should I…? Should I…?

So I get a cheap fix from what will never ultimately be important. Like eating toaster pastries for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and ramen for dinner. It will fill you up but never truly feed you.

Decisions. I need to make some—throw them in a pot, turn the heat to high, make them boil. Let stand until ready to serve. A meal fit for a king.


Four Lines

You may have noticed that I’ve been posting a some very brief four line poems lately. The first one was silly yet sincere, the second sincere yet silly. The third, just posted, is less silly.

I think I’m going to adopt these four line poems as a writing discipline for myself. Something to serve as a bare minimum of practice to write every day. It’s something to both challenge me and be fun. I’ll, of course, continue to write other stuff, but if you know me, what I need most is discipline to write something everyday. So there it is.

I don’t claim they’re any good; they’ll probably mostly be unimpressive, but at the same time, less can be more. I hope you’ll enjoy them for what they are. Even if you don’t, that’s plenty ok too. I will be tagging them all as “Four Lines”



As with the last post, I’m again posting a reading of a poem. I hope you’ll enjoy it. It’s part self-criticism, part making crappy ideas work for me. It’s a reflection of frustration with being unable to come up with unoriginal thoughts and then kind of saying, well, if that’s all I’ve got to work with, let’s do this anyway.

As with the last post, I’m again posting a reading of a poem. I hope you’ll enjoy it. It’s part self-criticism, part making crappy ideas work for me. It’s a reflection of frustration with being unable to come up with unoriginal



From the rising of the sun

To the setting of the same

I will fill my poem

With plethora of cliché

I’ll be preachy with my wording

Throw my beliefs in your face

When you’re bad, I feel better

Who needs tact or grace?

Or perhaps I’ll tell you about my motherland

And how I miss it so

But I’ve never actually been there

And really, I hate the snow.

I could tell about the tribulations

Of what it means to be a writer

While I live in privilege

And pain is one all-nighter

I could write of adolescent love

Convince you that it’s real

Teach you it’s a feeling

A heartbeat and sex appeal.

I could write some lines of politics

I’m sure that I’d be right

Thousands of years of man’s problems

I’ve solved them in one night.

I know it all sounds cynical

But I assure you it is not.

I want my words to make a difference

But clichés are all I’ve got



(c) 2011

Joshua Murray

Social Networking Butterfly

My Flickr

My YouTube

of course, I have a facebook and myspace too, but that’s so cliche, right?

And soon to be my online magazine (but not really anything yet…):

WordFlyer is to be an online culture/faith magazine, and is currently searching for quality contributers. See the about section (labeled “Who we are instead”) and see if you’re interested in contributed. If you are, please submit a writing sample, and let us know what you think you can add.

Currently, our pseudo-team consists of me, a very gifted web designer/graphic artist, and a couple other contributing writers.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

New to WordPress

Well, I’ve been blogging off and on for years, but I’ve grown weary of my blog host Xanga. They simply haven’t kept pace with the rest of the pack, by and large. I had a blogspot, but just didn’t feel it… I’ve imported the posts from there to here (but they were all made quite awhile back). I can’t import xanga, but I’ll simply repost the posts that I’d made this month (four in all).

I’ll probably be shifting to another domain at some point, but for now, this will do.

So, this is wordpress, eh?