I’ve never had a desire in life to disappear or start over or anything quite so dramatic (quite the opposite, really), but sometimes I wish I had an outlet where I could simply say whatever I want to say without anyone’s preconceptions or expectations getting in the way of whatever that might be—that is, I could speak it and not worry about offending or being rebuked by those who know me (after all those who don’t know me can go ____<fill_in_the_blank>___). Yet, at the same time, I want to be accepted by those who know me for who I am regardless of what I might say or think or ponder. I don’t even know what I think sometimes.
My personality and interests have changed dynamically in the past 6 or 7 years. Somethings are consistent, sure, but I am not who I used to be—I still love God and Jesus; I love my church (actually, I’m less cynical of it than I used to be, wow); I buy lots of music; I enjoy sports even though I know they’re meaningless; I am far too self-conscious about what people think about me; the list goes on. But, I’m also more cultured, wiser, sure of myself in task-related areas, less introverted (though still hardly extraverted), more experienced with heartbreak, more open to new experiences, and more myself.
But back to the original topic… I mean, really, I could just create another blog somewhere that I didn’t tell my friends about (heck, only a few real-life acquaintances know of this one anyway). Which makes me wonder: Is my self-censorship out of fear of what others might think, or is it out of fear of what I might think of myself?