So, I’ve find myself to be more caustic than I want to be. I’m somewhere between an elevated self-opinion and insecurity issues. It’s an odd conundrum. I have as much self-confidence as anyone else in my abilities. What I don’t have confidence in is my likability. Everyone wants to be liked. I don’t have to be liked by everyone, mind you; I just want to be respected and liked among those I also respect and admire. It’s somewhat selfish, but I feel a need for validation. I have no lack of self-esteem or confidence in my abilities, largely because my parents were awesome and supportive. But my childhood left me with some minor scars, nonetheless—not the typical ones, and nowhere near as devastating as what other people I know have been through. But I seek out affirmation from my peers because it’s something I don’t fully comprehend and it’s something I never had before college. In seeking it out, I overstate myself, building myself up to be something awesome—something I’m not. The thing is, in order to push myself up, I often push others down—I don’t mean to, I really don’t, but I do it.
Thing is, I’m not sure how to be a great friend. It comes naturally one-on-one most of the time; I’m a good listener and trustworthy, and very careful about advice I offer. But other times, I’ll snap at people—mock their tastes, chide their behavior—not because it affects me but because I want to look good—but it makes me look bad. And I need to stop. I really do.
To anyone I’ve put down, blatantly or not, I’m sorry.
The person I want to be is not who I am.