And Parents everywhere breathe a sigh of relief…
Thanks to a new study put out by the researchers at PLANT G Studies, the secret hope of parents everywhere has been realized. The television is in fact the perfect baby-sitter for most lifestyle choices. With a good mixture of video games, children can enjoy an edifying environment that provides healthy stimuli for cognitive and social development. The study compared commonly found real life scenarios with those found on television and other SSSS’s (Simulated Significance Situational Scenarios) like video games and movies.
The study, which took an estimated 195,000 man-hours* to complete, shows that real-life is far more dangerous to the development of children than previously accredited. The statistics were simply startling:
o Children who ride in real cars with their parents are 2800% more likely to encounter life-threatening accidents than in any form of SSSS
o Children riding with parents are 400% more likely to hear vulgar language, and of a stronger variety
o Children who drive real cars are ∞% more likely to die in an accident than they are to die while driving in a car-simulating video game.
o Children desensitized to violence by the endless display of blood and gore on America’s highway system consisting of mutilated dear, groundhogs and various other forest creaures are 3900% more likely to continue the cycle of gore when they are of driving age.
o Children in school systems are 151% more likely to learn what sex is than by vegetating in front of a television
o Children deprived** from SSSS’s are 87% more unlikely to have learned to appreciate outstanding feats of art from such artists as Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers, or the more abstract accomplishments of programming on Noggin’
When asked what these findings mean to practical parenting, mother-of-two Janice Dearbread-cash***, stated, “Well, you know, I think these findings are very encouraging. I’ve long believed that living in the real world can only lead to death and destruction.**** Now, I know beyond a doubt that my lifestyle of keeping my daughters more emotionally more attached to Zach & Cody than to myself is healthy. People used to the think that video games promoted violence, but now we realize that the real world is far more damaging to the human psyche. So, yes, overall, I can say I’m excited; it certainly will make parenting easier and will give me a good, healthy conscious. I only hope they can find a way to allow adults to avoid real life for at least most of the day.”
Full results of the ground-breaking study are to be released at a later date in a book tentatively titled: “Life Kills: The Startling Truth About Your Child’s Development”
(Disclaimer: Due to copyright agreements and potential competitive interests, above statistics are 98.7% deceptive)
© 2008 Ponderosa Lemons Are Not Tasty Grapefruit Studies (a subsidiary of Flying Words Media, an equal opportunity employer, partner, Moshua Jurray Enterprises, LLC. [DOW: ICUP] All Rights Reserved.)
*Women-hours not included
**Deprivation defined as less than three hours per calendar day
*** Pseudonym so as to protect the identity of Jane Doe
**** This, in fact, might be true